Grant Wallace

    There are two people in this world. The one who says “thank you” when you open a door for them and the other who will say nothing. Dorothy Rollengardner has decided to take a stance against the later half. In her newest book, “Doris’s Guide to Door Etiquette”, she has developed an elaborate checklist for determining who qualifies for a thank you and who doesn’t. Here is a snippet. A “Yes” signals a polite “thank you” or “thanks”, and a “No” will suggest that you don’t hold and/or open the door for them. Enjoy.

Barack Obama – Yes
Girlfriends – Yes
Mad girlfriends – No
Ex Girlfriends – Not Applicable
People who spend over five minutes in the free printer line of the UCC because they don’t know how to print – NO
People who bite their nails ten seconds after you asked them to stop - No
Manicurists – Yes
People who don’t wash their hands after using the toilet – No
Landlords who refuse to patch up bullet holes in the houses they rent – No
People with the name Josh – No
People that arbitrarily honk their horn at you while riding your bike – NO
Paraplegics, handicapped, mentally ill, and babies – Yes (especially yes if all four are combined).
Racists – Lock the door on them.
Katy Perry – Absolutely yes.
People who wear kilts – No
People who text while you try talking to them – No and then depants them.
Iphone users who use an application for pretending to drink beer – No
People who tag embarrassing photos of you on Facebook of you drinking at parties – No
Dwight from the Office – No
Everyone else from The Office – Yes
Homophobes – No
Homos – Yes
Large women in tiny clothes – No
People who ask for only ketchup on their buck doubles – No
Circus Peanut Lovers – Yes
People with Wall-E tattoos – Yes with a smile
 Myspace users – No
People who stand in front of doors for no apparent reason – No with a stink eye
Panda enthusiasts – Yes
People who name their pets after food – Yes
People who steal your Xbox 360 after letting them sleep on your couch the night before – Refer to #13 and call the cops.
People who sleep in past 6 P.M. – NO
People with bumper stickers that say, “My Other Ride is Your Boyfriend” – No
Emails from Howgul Abul Arhu that request your bank number because the Nigerian Chambers Of Commerce And Industry have found a surplus of $47,500,000.00 (forty seven million, five hundred thousand United States dollars) and wish to give it to you – No (unless they are serious).
BABY BABY fans – Yes
Creed fans – No
Loud talkers, Low Talkers, Close Talkers, High Talkers – No